By Sharon Rose
Toddlers are funny and amazing; oh, the things
they can do and say! Toddlers can also be difficult and need a lot of
understanding and patience from their parents. They go through a normal stage
in their development referred to as "terrible twos." It is a
stage with a notorious reputation, that all parents dread and fear. It is
talked about in Mom circles, even before it arrives. Your toddler can go
through “terrible twos" as early as, before the age of one year, and as
late as five years. Typically, however, it shows up between eighteen
months and three years old. Each of my own three children went through it
at different ages. It is not until age six that your child is expected to
understand “reason.” So, get ready for a phasing in and out of
unpredictable and irritable behavior that will last beyond the age of
two. Expect temper tantrums, mood swings, and the word "no" to
be used frequently as this rite of passage is ushered in. Be assured, it
is nothing your child is doing on purpose to anger you, but he is sending a
signal that he needs your help learning to find his way in the world.
Parents are often shocked when their little angels, suddenly, turn into
difficult, uncooperative, bossy, adventurous risk-takers. Toddlers going
through "terrible twos" are experiencing rapid intellectual, motor,
social, and emotional changes. It is a sign that your toddler is growing
up. They are eager to do things on their own without any help from Mommy or
Daddy, even if it is a task too difficult for a toddler to do. They are
risk-takers, so must be watched very closely to keep them safe. They
climb on things that are not for climbing, often out of curiosity about
something that is at the top. Their vocabulary is growing, but is not big
enough yet to clearly communicate all their needs and wants. All of these
changes and the limitations cause frustration for your toddler, which can show
up as a temper tantrum or moodiness. Oh, the growing pains! Who are
they more painful for; your toddler or you? The answer is, both; but you
will get through it.
Parents and toddlers can get through this, because it is a normal stage that will pass. What’s most important is how you react to this behavior. Prepare to be patient and exercise age appropriate discipline with consistency. Some situations are more difficult to handle than others. Have a plan ahead of time to handle “extreme” temper tantrums. In situations where a child is having an “extreme” temper tantrum a parent’s best course of action is to ignore the behavior, walk away, but only a safe distance. If they fall to the floor, kick and thrash wildly about, remove any items within their reach that they may hurt themselves on. Keep an eye on them, without giving them attention, to make sure they are safe. Avoid giving attention to this kind of unwanted behavior, as your child will repeat the behavior for more attention. Never shout, or yell. Use a patient, but firm voice to signal that you, the parent, are in charge. Parents should use positive words, and avoid using the word "no." This is your little ones favorite word now and you don't want to encourage the use of it. When the “storm” is over, initiate an appropriate form of discipline. Don’t worry, with consistent discipline your little caterpillar will emerge a butterfly. Now is the time, while they are little, to modify behaviors that are unwanted ones.
Parents and toddlers can get through this, because it is a normal stage that will pass. What’s most important is how you react to this behavior. Prepare to be patient and exercise age appropriate discipline with consistency. Some situations are more difficult to handle than others. Have a plan ahead of time to handle “extreme” temper tantrums. In situations where a child is having an “extreme” temper tantrum a parent’s best course of action is to ignore the behavior, walk away, but only a safe distance. If they fall to the floor, kick and thrash wildly about, remove any items within their reach that they may hurt themselves on. Keep an eye on them, without giving them attention, to make sure they are safe. Avoid giving attention to this kind of unwanted behavior, as your child will repeat the behavior for more attention. Never shout, or yell. Use a patient, but firm voice to signal that you, the parent, are in charge. Parents should use positive words, and avoid using the word "no." This is your little ones favorite word now and you don't want to encourage the use of it. When the “storm” is over, initiate an appropriate form of discipline. Don’t worry, with consistent discipline your little caterpillar will emerge a butterfly. Now is the time, while they are little, to modify behaviors that are unwanted ones.
Choosing a Form of Discipline for your Toddler
What techniques are being used by today’s parents to discipline the average behavior problem? At risk of much uproar I’m going to address where corporal punishment, a hot topic, stands with the parents of today. Corporal punishment is an “old school” form of punishing a child to correct behavior. Research studies show that by the time children in the United States reach high school, 85% of them have received some form of corporal punishment. It is still held on to, often because of religious beliefs, despite an overwhelming number of research studies opposing it. Most of us are familiar with Proverbs 13:24, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” To many, this Bible verse is proof that corporal punishment is the form of discipline that those with Christian values should accept. Although all fifty states in the United States allow corporal punishment, there are many countries, such as Sweden and Germany, who have banned it. Thankfully, gone are the days of rubbing a baby’s gums with alcohol for teething pain, and a teaspoon of turpentine on sugar for a cough. I was one who, as a child, regrettably, was “healed” with that method. Due to expert research studies a new set of parenting techniques have been accepted and are believed to promote optimal child development, which includes the trend of teaching children to use American Sign Language to communicate as young as 4 and 5 months old. As far as discipline, today’s trend in parenting is to use time-out techniques as the preferred method. Time-out is not a punishment, as opposed to corporal punishment. Research shows corporal punishment can have short-term effectiveness. Time-out techniques are equally effective, but with preferred long-term effects and without the side effects caused by corporal punishment. Why model aggressive behavior by spanking or whipping and risk an escalation of the punishment that could result in unintentional abuse; or cause anti-social behavior or the same modeled aggression in the child? The American Academy of Pediatrics favors time-out, and I agree. Time-out can be used, effectively, in various forms from about two years old and up to teen age years. Let’s talk about time-out for toddlers. Here is a guide to achieve effective, long-term, positive behavior modification with your child.
Guide for Time-Out Techniques:
1. Start early with “time-in.” Have the expectation that the day will come that you will have to modify or correct certain behaviors. Time-in is the attention, quality time, and the recognition you give to positive behavior. Example: Be conscious of giving verbal praise and hugs when they follow the rules; hold your toddler in your lap; read books together; act as a playmate; etc. When time-out is given, and they must sit alone, quiet, no playing; your toddler will have a point of reference as to what they are being denied.
2. Prepare your toddler and yourself. Be clear ahead of time, what time-out will be used for; such as hitting another person, or unsafe behavior. Both parents should agree to use the same method. Prepare your toddler for the time-out process by explaining the process the first time it is used. Place your toddler in time-out, immediately, upon the need to correct a behavior. Try using other methods, like “quiet-time,” distraction, diversion, and humor when time-out is not needed, but your toddler needs to gain some self-control in a situation. These behavior shaping strategies are preferred before the age of eighteen months to two years.
3. Be brief. State why you are placing them in time-out. Example: Say something like, “You are being placed in time-out; you will get hurt climbing.” Try to limit your statement to 10 to 12 words. Your toddler’s understanding of language is still developing.
4. You are the time keeper. Give one minute for each year of the child’s age. Use a timer that your child can hear go off, such as the one on the kitchen stove or a cell phone. A two or three year old has no conception of time. Saying, “You have two minutes in time-out,” may be lost on a two year old. They will be more willing to sit quietly and wait for a “ding.”
5. Keep it quiet. Don’t preach at your child while they sit in time-out. Use a chair, or have child sit "criss-cross legs" in a quiet area away from the TV and away from the scene of the misbehavior. Have your child face forward, not face the wall. Give them eye contact when you speak to them. Do not embarrass your child. Their self image should not be damaged. While your toddler is in time-out encourage them to sit quiet and wait for the “ding.” When their time is up allow them to come out immediately. If they are crying or having a tantrum while in time-out, let them know their time will be up when they are quiet. Again, do not yell at your child; remain calm. “Petting-up” should not be done, nor is it helpful.
6. Make your expectations clear. When your child comes out of time-out, sit with your child to make it clear what behavior you expect instead of the behavior that resulted in the time-out. Young children who are learning to navigate in a world new to them do not know what to do until you teach them. After a brief chat to explain, on their level, your expectations, always give them a hug. The hug is an important part of the process. This lets your child know that the time-out was to teach them, not punish them; that you are not angry. Your toddler will learn that parents get angry soon enough, when they are older.
7. What should you do if your child refuses to go to time-out? If your child refuses to go to time-out take them by the hand to lead them there. If they continue to resist, as the parent, physically place them in time out, showing that you are the adult in charge. If your child leaves the time-out, repeat this until they remain in time-out. If an “extreme” temper tantrum results, use your judgment as to when you should walk away. Watch child’s safety from a distance and initiate appropriate discipline when your child has calmed down. Do not “give in” and be sure to complete the time-out process.
8. Time-out when you are away from home allows consistency to continue. Regardless of where you are, if your child misbehaves you can time them out. Consistency is important in modifying unwanted behavior. If you are away from home use creative ideas and good judgment to time your child out. If at the mall, find a bench; if at the supermarket, find a quiet corner; or even if at the library, as I once experienced, use a library chair and announce time-out.
9. Time-out, when it involves a group of children, is possible. If you have several children of your own or if a group of children are visiting, say, for a birthday party, placing them in separate chairs around the room or other areas of the home can be done. Parents must take control, in appropriate ways of disciplining to gain control of out-of-control children. It’s no different from a referee at a sports game having to blow the whistle when time-out is called by the coach. You can explain it this way to children of age levels who can understand. “Quiet- time” is another strategy to calm a group. Parent calls “quiet time" and child sits anywhere, briefly, and is expected to remain quiet. This strategy is preferred to control unwanted behaviors like running in the house or too rough horseplay.
10. Language development, as it increases, will make time-out easier and more effective in increasing wanted behaviors and decreasing unwanted behaviors in your child. For toddlers who have older siblings, the time-out process is likely to be more familiar because of their exposure to it. For these children, it may seem like fun at first to join in with a sibling activity. However, as your toddler has repeated visits to the time-out chair or area, the boredom and hurt feelings from leaving a play activity will set in.
What techniques are being used by today’s parents to discipline the average behavior problem? At risk of much uproar I’m going to address where corporal punishment, a hot topic, stands with the parents of today. Corporal punishment is an “old school” form of punishing a child to correct behavior. Research studies show that by the time children in the United States reach high school, 85% of them have received some form of corporal punishment. It is still held on to, often because of religious beliefs, despite an overwhelming number of research studies opposing it. Most of us are familiar with Proverbs 13:24, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” To many, this Bible verse is proof that corporal punishment is the form of discipline that those with Christian values should accept. Although all fifty states in the United States allow corporal punishment, there are many countries, such as Sweden and Germany, who have banned it. Thankfully, gone are the days of rubbing a baby’s gums with alcohol for teething pain, and a teaspoon of turpentine on sugar for a cough. I was one who, as a child, regrettably, was “healed” with that method. Due to expert research studies a new set of parenting techniques have been accepted and are believed to promote optimal child development, which includes the trend of teaching children to use American Sign Language to communicate as young as 4 and 5 months old. As far as discipline, today’s trend in parenting is to use time-out techniques as the preferred method. Time-out is not a punishment, as opposed to corporal punishment. Research shows corporal punishment can have short-term effectiveness. Time-out techniques are equally effective, but with preferred long-term effects and without the side effects caused by corporal punishment. Why model aggressive behavior by spanking or whipping and risk an escalation of the punishment that could result in unintentional abuse; or cause anti-social behavior or the same modeled aggression in the child? The American Academy of Pediatrics favors time-out, and I agree. Time-out can be used, effectively, in various forms from about two years old and up to teen age years. Let’s talk about time-out for toddlers. Here is a guide to achieve effective, long-term, positive behavior modification with your child.
Guide for Time-Out Techniques:
1. Start early with “time-in.” Have the expectation that the day will come that you will have to modify or correct certain behaviors. Time-in is the attention, quality time, and the recognition you give to positive behavior. Example: Be conscious of giving verbal praise and hugs when they follow the rules; hold your toddler in your lap; read books together; act as a playmate; etc. When time-out is given, and they must sit alone, quiet, no playing; your toddler will have a point of reference as to what they are being denied.
2. Prepare your toddler and yourself. Be clear ahead of time, what time-out will be used for; such as hitting another person, or unsafe behavior. Both parents should agree to use the same method. Prepare your toddler for the time-out process by explaining the process the first time it is used. Place your toddler in time-out, immediately, upon the need to correct a behavior. Try using other methods, like “quiet-time,” distraction, diversion, and humor when time-out is not needed, but your toddler needs to gain some self-control in a situation. These behavior shaping strategies are preferred before the age of eighteen months to two years.
3. Be brief. State why you are placing them in time-out. Example: Say something like, “You are being placed in time-out; you will get hurt climbing.” Try to limit your statement to 10 to 12 words. Your toddler’s understanding of language is still developing.
4. You are the time keeper. Give one minute for each year of the child’s age. Use a timer that your child can hear go off, such as the one on the kitchen stove or a cell phone. A two or three year old has no conception of time. Saying, “You have two minutes in time-out,” may be lost on a two year old. They will be more willing to sit quietly and wait for a “ding.”
5. Keep it quiet. Don’t preach at your child while they sit in time-out. Use a chair, or have child sit "criss-cross legs" in a quiet area away from the TV and away from the scene of the misbehavior. Have your child face forward, not face the wall. Give them eye contact when you speak to them. Do not embarrass your child. Their self image should not be damaged. While your toddler is in time-out encourage them to sit quiet and wait for the “ding.” When their time is up allow them to come out immediately. If they are crying or having a tantrum while in time-out, let them know their time will be up when they are quiet. Again, do not yell at your child; remain calm. “Petting-up” should not be done, nor is it helpful.
6. Make your expectations clear. When your child comes out of time-out, sit with your child to make it clear what behavior you expect instead of the behavior that resulted in the time-out. Young children who are learning to navigate in a world new to them do not know what to do until you teach them. After a brief chat to explain, on their level, your expectations, always give them a hug. The hug is an important part of the process. This lets your child know that the time-out was to teach them, not punish them; that you are not angry. Your toddler will learn that parents get angry soon enough, when they are older.
7. What should you do if your child refuses to go to time-out? If your child refuses to go to time-out take them by the hand to lead them there. If they continue to resist, as the parent, physically place them in time out, showing that you are the adult in charge. If your child leaves the time-out, repeat this until they remain in time-out. If an “extreme” temper tantrum results, use your judgment as to when you should walk away. Watch child’s safety from a distance and initiate appropriate discipline when your child has calmed down. Do not “give in” and be sure to complete the time-out process.
8. Time-out when you are away from home allows consistency to continue. Regardless of where you are, if your child misbehaves you can time them out. Consistency is important in modifying unwanted behavior. If you are away from home use creative ideas and good judgment to time your child out. If at the mall, find a bench; if at the supermarket, find a quiet corner; or even if at the library, as I once experienced, use a library chair and announce time-out.
9. Time-out, when it involves a group of children, is possible. If you have several children of your own or if a group of children are visiting, say, for a birthday party, placing them in separate chairs around the room or other areas of the home can be done. Parents must take control, in appropriate ways of disciplining to gain control of out-of-control children. It’s no different from a referee at a sports game having to blow the whistle when time-out is called by the coach. You can explain it this way to children of age levels who can understand. “Quiet- time” is another strategy to calm a group. Parent calls “quiet time" and child sits anywhere, briefly, and is expected to remain quiet. This strategy is preferred to control unwanted behaviors like running in the house or too rough horseplay.
10. Language development, as it increases, will make time-out easier and more effective in increasing wanted behaviors and decreasing unwanted behaviors in your child. For toddlers who have older siblings, the time-out process is likely to be more familiar because of their exposure to it. For these children, it may seem like fun at first to join in with a sibling activity. However, as your toddler has repeated visits to the time-out chair or area, the boredom and hurt feelings from leaving a play activity will set in.
.jpg)
If your toddler is having a
temper tantrum, have him to remain in time out until it's over.
In a case such as this the
"minute per year of age" rule would not apply.
|
Other disciplinary strategies, such as, taking away a favorite thing or
activity may be incorporated when your child is older. This strategy can
work as a partner to time-out. Time-out is the preferred disciplinary
technique for toddlers going through “terrible twos.” Parents may use
quiet-time to calm overactive behavior, such as, running in the house, before
taking the next step of time-out. These strategies prevent parents from
using impulsive spanking out of frustration, and allow parents time to decide,
what’s next. You can succeed in rearing a well-trained, happy, and healthy child. In time, the "so-called-terrible-twos" will be behind you.
Sources:
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/101/4/723.full
http://pediatrics.about.com/od/toddlers/a/05_terrble_twos.htm
Robert E. Larzelere & Brett R. Kuhn, Comparing Child Outcomes of Physical Punishment and Alternative Disciplinary Tactics: A Meta-Analysis, 8 Clinical Child & Family Psychology, rev. 1 (2005).
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/101/4/723.full
http://pediatrics.about.com/od/toddlers/a/05_terrble_twos.htm
Robert E. Larzelere & Brett R. Kuhn, Comparing Child Outcomes of Physical Punishment and Alternative Disciplinary Tactics: A Meta-Analysis, 8 Clinical Child & Family Psychology, rev. 1 (2005).
Copyright, Sharon Rose,
"Terrible Twos: A Sign Your Toddler is Growing Up,Cannot be " Parents Want to
Know 101, January 9, 2013. Cannot be reprinted without consent of the author. All rights reserved.
